Baby Update

It feels like ages since we found out, it’s been an adventurous few weeks which felt like forever, but yet, here we are, at the 12 week mark.

We saw our busy little peanut yesterday.  LOL, everyone who’s seen the video have asked if I had a sugary drink or chocolate before I went, because this little one was so busy on the scan!  I love that we can share the video with family and friends.

There’s been spotting, there’s been nausea, extreme tiredness, some extreme nausea and extreme boob soreness, but I am loving every minute of it and don’t find myself complaining about it.

Current cravings are spicy foods, anything sour, tomatoes every day, and we seem to like meat (steaks).

Current despises, Oats, well caramel oats to be exact, I was in the mood for it, bought it, had a few bites and it ALL came out, baby does not like sweet stuff AT ALL.  I also still cannot stand chicken, the smell, the look anything to do with chicken, I have to run out the door, does not help when colleagues have chicken for lunch nearly every day.  Oh and soup also makes my stomach turn.

I have been battling with a bit of a bad flu which has attacked my chest, at night it gets really bad or when I am in an airconned room, doc gave Expigen the all clear to have, but I still try to only take at night.

Other than that, all is well with our little bean, growing very nicely and healthy 🙂

Our little bean/peanut/baba 😉

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Baby 2.PNG

Baby 3.PNG

And then…dr had his suspicions about this pic…which when you look at it looks quite obvious, but we will confirm with the next scan 😉

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I can still not believe that we have been blessed with this little person growing inside of me, seeing it grow from a little blob to a moving, kicking and even stretching tiny little baby has been an amazing experience and I cannot wait to see our little one grow more and more.

The Journey After A Loss

To say that the months after the loss was “trying” is an understatement…You blame yourself so much that the guilt starts eating you up, so much so that a couple of weeks ago I wanted to just get into my car and drive into nothingness, hoping that the memories will stop haunting me, but I suppose you cannot escape from reality.

Then, about two weeks ago…

We really thought we missed the window this month, because every ovulation test that I did for 10 days was negative, so I readied myself for another visit from AF, little did we know…

On the 24th of March, I did a pregnancy test;

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Did a very long awaited blood test on Monday 27 March, levels look good.

Did another test on the 28th of March, to make sure you know 😉

Another Test 28 March 2017

We went for a scan on the 30th of March, baby is doing great so far, we even heard the little heartbeat at 111BPM, baby measured at 6 Weeks 1 Day, even though my date says 5 Weeks 5 Days, baby is due according to my gestational date on the 25th of November 2017, according to the measurement date 22 November 2017.

I think we are still in shock, we did not want to get excited just yet, for obvious reasons, but after hearing that little heartbeat, who cannot fall in love with this little dot.

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I have been feeling extremely tired the last couple of weeks, the nausea is in full gear for most of the day, when I get a little break I try to eat something, but midway through its like nah…not for me (needless to say hubby’s been having lots of leftovers), and I cannot stand meat, oh and the smells…my goodness the things my nose have smelled. LOL.

I have no idea why we battled for so long (8 years), I started treatments knowing what was wrong, 11 years ago, went off the pill 9 years ago (it helped for one aspect of the issue I had), this journey has not been easy, but here we are, and this time, I am hopeful that we will be holding our little pink foot little one soon, so bring on the nausea, tiredness, crying for everything and smelling farts from a mile away, as long as it means this little baby is growing, I will take on a world of symptoms as long as everything is ok in the end.

We have only let a selected few know, I just cannot deal with some people just yet…but the ones who really cared with our loss all know 🙂

I still miss and think of my first baby, but I am also putting my focus on enjoying this one.

Coping Mechanisms

Life has been so busy lately, work, personal, everything and everywhere just feels like it is consuming me at the moment.  I still think about our lost little one every single day, sometimes you wish you could just sleep through a day, not to be reminded about what should have been, but you learn to cope with it, you learn to pick up the pieces and carry on with life, cause nobody else will be there to pick up those pieces for you.

People tend to “forget” what happened to you, and rightfully so, this is our battle, our sadness, our story, time waits for no one, not even sorrow.

I have been asking on Facebook about a necklace that I really wanted, but the prices that people charge are just not worth it, so we went looking this weekend, and I finally found something that I really liked,  the lady will get in stock this week at the one store, and we getting the other part at another store.  Just a little something as a remembrance, even if we do fall pregnant again, our first little miracle will always be our first child and I am not “forgetting” about our baby.

Fact of the matter is, we are still hurting, very badly, we are trying to be there for each other, but the pain just gets a bit too much sometimes, which have caused both of us to have tripped into that deep dark hole, but the cheerleader side of me keeps kicking that black dogs ass and saying, get out of it, dig, dig, dig, you can do it, and you push those feels down and just smile and wave while riding the wave, it is tough, but like I said, you have to pick up the pieces and carry on.

I cannot say that I am not hurt by the reaction of those around us, oh hell I have thrown tantrums in my inner self and had outbursts about this, but when I come to my senses, I realize that no one will ever understand, unless they have walked in our shoes, even I never truly fully understood the extend of this heartbreak until we walked in the shoes of infertility for so many years and then having a little bit of hope, just for it to be taken away in the blink of an eye.

Our hearts are broken, but we are trying to pick up pieces bit by bit.

Try to not dwell on what could have been

…Yesterday would have been 15 weeks, next week would have been the start of excitement to have found out if you were a boy or girl…

Could have, would have…these are the terms that fly through my head all the time, I had another “episode” on Friday, it was the first day of taking another OPK test and that empty circle was just a very deep reminder of what happened, I did not know you can have so much tears after you have shed so many already, needless to say by the end of the day it looked like I had a severe allergy reaction.  My heart is healing but it is like a bloody scab that can get ripped off at any moment and reveal the true pain hidden behind the very frail texture of what’s supposed to be my happy face.

I don’t think people really understand just what you go through if they have not gone through it themselves, so much so that some have told me “but you should be feeling better by now”, “at least it was only a few weeks, so the bond was not too strong”.  I just turn my back to those people, they can stab away as long as they don’t see just how much they hurt.

Endless nights you lie awake feeling guilty, was there something you did wrong, did you eat or drink something that might have caused it, did you not sit right, sleep right, walk right?  The guilt eats you up from inside, chew you up and spit you out for those vultures with their “very lovely comments” to come and make you feel even worse.  It’s a circling cycle.  I don’t know how you will ever break out of it, but I know that you can, just like I broke the curse of depression, I can break this too.  I have dealt with a lot in my life, some of which people know of, others hidden in the darkest chambers of my mind, never to be opened to anybody.

It would have been 15 weeks yesterday…yet you are a loving painful memory in my heart and mind, you were borrowed to us to bring joy and change our life, and changing you did my precious little one, I am just so sorry that you had to leave so soon.

Love you to heaven and back xx

3 Weeks Later

I still write letters to our dearest angel gone too soon.  Kind of a comfort thing.

Things since it happened has all become about statistics (1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage)(if you conceived once with PCOS you should be able to again)(you are very fertile after a miscarriage ß mother nature’s cruel way to press the buzzer and say “ehhh…try again”), there are many more “statistics” regarding miscarriage, but none that can prepare you for the real thing, the real feelings, the real physical pain, the real emotional brokenness and what this can do to you and your partner/family.  Did you know that you go through actual labour “the early stages of labour” when you have a miscarriage, I never knew that until it happened and I almost hit the ER doctor on duty that day because she was so damn rough. Mine lasted for a few hours, it all started at 13:00 and at about 22:00 after the second dose of pain meds did I only start feeling only mild cramping.

Hubby has been very supportive, extended families not so much, some even saying that I caused it.  I know people don’t know what to say in a situation like this, but obviously don’t blame the person, we feel guilty enough.

I think the hardest has been coming to work/going out into the world.  At home you are in your nest protected from everyday life, once out into the big world, nothing can protect you from what you see and then what your mind is telling you…ALL THE TIME.  There is a pregnant lady here at work, in my face the whole day, and everyone have been swooning over her, like they should, the first day I had to leave early, I could hold back the tears until we were in the car.  It’s not so much a jealousy thing than it is that I was supposed to be there too now at this time (we were going to let everyone know next week, instead I had to tell some that beware that I might bite your head off because this happened.

Like I say there are days that it seems like I’m ok, and then out of nowhere it hits you like a ton of bricks, all your dreams all your planning, your reality is gone and society is expecting you to move onwards like nothing has happened.

We now have to wait for Aunt Flo to make her first visit and according to statistic (yes those darn statistics again), the first visit is quite hectic in most women, so that’s something fun to look forward to…not…after that we are allowed to “try again” and on day 21 I have to do blood tests again to see that my eggs didn’t get a too big of a fright and are now hiding away, if they are scared and hiding I will have to try the crazy hormone treatments again, but we are still scrutinizing that option, because it is like giving a woman with PMS a sharp knife and telling her to go crazy while feeding her chocolate on the side…

Lovely stuff to be a woman…yes I am sarcastic again.  *Excuse the sarcasm.

Introduction

This blog is for my future babies.

I always had a blog, for more years than I can count, I closed my blog on Parent24, stopped for a few years and have been toying with the idea to start again.

This blog is to journal our path to parenthood, my children should know that they are very loved and VERY wanted, this will document our struggles, us overcoming those struggles and a mind “dump” for feelings around this journey.

So on November 26, 2016 I found out that we were expecting our first baby, after 9 very long years our prayers were finally answered.  We found out 14 years ago that I have PCOS, I’ve been on treatments (Glucophage) ever since and for the first few years I was on multiple hormone pills to help regulate my lady things.  The cysts and symptoms persisted but so did our determination.

I went for blood tests on November 29, 2016 confirming that I was 5-6 weeks pregnant.  I booked my 8 week appointment for the 20th of December 2016, we were super nervous and excited to meet our little bean.  Little bean measured at 6 weeks, but the dr thought that maybe our dates were just a little bit out.  We scheduled another appointment for the 5th of January 2017.

On the 23rd of December 2016 I started spotting a brown discharge, phoned the gynae he said that this is normal in most pregnancies, I must just keep an eye on it.  On the 24th of December 2016 at 13:00 I started bleeding, by 16:00 my hubby phoned the gynie, I was bent over in pain and the amount of blood was crazy, we rushed to Bedford Gardens ER, I was booked into the maternity ward, while there waiting for medications, we lost our angel baby, the pain started to slow down after that,  they kept me overnight and put me on more medications throughout the night.  We did an ultrasound the next morning and could see that baby was gone, they did a D&C on the 25th of December 2016.

I think that I’ve been mostly in shock this whole time, this week however reality has hit me hard.  I miss the connection I’ve already had with this child.  I could never understand what women went through until I went through this myself, there is no way to explain it, it just hurts so bad.

I started writing letters to baby from the 28th of November 2016, and I will continue to write to our angel for as long as I can.  You will never be forgotten baby, until we meet again.